Instinctual evolution of the ‘value system’ idea
‘Don’t make everything about you , Ma !’ is an oft repeated refrain in my home- the wise words of wisdom from a sixteen year old and a twelve year old.
When I give instructions, examples, narrate a story or try ‘subtly’ to link unrelated things for the point to hit home like ‘why don’t you transfer some of this passion you show for soccer into other areas of your life?’ I’m told ,’ I’m not dumb – I know what you are trying to do so just drop it okay?’
Cut to about 30 years earlier where if I was told to do something, there was pin drop silence, perhaps a resentful ‘hmmph’ but the task at hand was completed without resistance- perhaps negotiated a bit on my own terms like – ‘okay I will do this now, and this bit a little differently,’ but no direct confrontation was ever even conceived.
Fifty years earlier, our parents were pretty much cast in the same mould- with a bovine acceptance of all parental instructions embossed firmly in their DNA.
Today we live in a world where the ‘value system’ means the most highly displayed thing (read person,event, behavior ) becomes credible, while something that stays in the background is disregarded. Schools and parents are both subliminally teaching the next generation that so long as something works and you can get away with it, its ok, but the minute it gets you into trouble , it becomes wrong.
The ‘values’ of Gandhi’s three monkeys now would be re-interpreted as something like this ‘ See evil and deal with it as long as it doesn’t affect you’ , ‘Talk evil and intolerance if the other is not conforming to mainstream views’ and ‘Hear all evil but choose which works for you and which does not.’
‘Respect your elders’ means nothing as today’s youngsters are not oblivious to the flaws of the older generation- if you point out how they are shirking their work, they might turn around and give you an instance where you did the same.
How then does one negotiate these troubled waters? Is there a ‘How to be’ that one is comfortable with that works across the generational divide?
I am making my peace with what I have found works.
3 simple rules-
1.‘Mean what you say- don’t say what you don’t mean.’
2.‘Don’t waste anyone else’s time and do not expect anyone else to waste their time over you.’
3.‘Have the same standards for others as you do for yourself.’
Some examples of how this mantra translates into practice is- I will take my son for soccer practice but not be the football mom sitting there. I expect him not to interpret that as a lack of love, and respect the fact that I have work to do in that time. I am grateful, he gets it.
If I have told the domestic help I expect her to be on time then I must be on time myself- I cannot keep expecting her to come late and early based on my privilege. And also ,when she misses work no matter what , I don’t waste my time, but clean up myself, more often doing a better job than her.
I expect my children to be true to their word. If they have undertaken to walk the dogs in the evening 5 days a week, then that is what they must do come hail rain or thunder. Similarly, if I have promised making them something special three times a week I will also do my part.
While we cannot control external influences and also navigate our children’s choices for them, we can become some sort of compass which they periodically glance at( only when no one is looking , ofcourse) to gauge what they might do next.
The Golden Rule in my book is ‘ There are no rules in life. There are only consequences. I cannot and will not always protect you from the consequences of your choices.’
That is perhaps the ONLY cautionary tale that every generation understands due to pure Darwinian survival instinct.